Handling Toxic Communication

event summary
Written By Dina Venezky

Tuesday's session on toxic communication revealed how pervasive disruptive patterns are in our daily interactions.

We started exploring methods for recognizing overwhelm, then examined Gottman's four communication toxins: blaming, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling*. The discussion covered recognition strategies across different contexts and research-backed intervention approaches. One of the key points we discussed was the emotions behind the behaviors.

First, we explored what happens when we reach our emotional limits.

The Realm: Our Overwhelm State

When we become emotionally flooded and can no longer take in new information, we enter what we call "the realm." Key indicators include:

  • Physical signs: Noise sensitivity, jaw/back clenching, fast heartbeat, hot face

  • Mental signs: Racing thoughts like ping pong balls, inability to focus, make decisions, and/or take in new information

  • Behavioral signs: Withdrawal, avoidance, making mistakes

Example: Calendar overload triggers overwhelm; solution: protect half-day blocks for self-care

Insight: Recognizing the need to schedule appointments with yourself, not just others

Once we understand our overwhelm signals, we can better recognize when toxic patterns emerge. Gottman's research identifies four primary communication toxins that damage relationships:

The Four Toxic Communication Patterns

1. Blaming - Attacking personality/character

  • Insight: Often happens when we don't have all the information, but assume we do 

  • Insight: "Quiet blaming" (internal narrative) and shutting down rather than expressing it

  • Hidden emotions: Anger, resentment, frustration, unmet needs, fear

  • Antidote: Focus on the issue, not the person. Express a positive need using a soft start up such as, “I feel (or I need)____, when _____, could you please______.”

2. Defensiveness - Refusing to own behavior or accept feedback

  • Example: When our kids point out tone/intention mismatches in our communication 

  • Insight: Often rooted in shame or past experiences (especially with ADHD/neurodivergence)

  • Hidden emotions: Shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, feeling misunderstood or unjustly accused

  • Antidote: Focus on learning from mistakes, be curious, figure out what 2% might be true, and own your behaviors.

3. Contempt - Acting as if something is inferior or worthless

  • Insight: Contempt frequently leads to or combines with other toxic patterns 

  • Example: When I have to think hard about how to phrase something, I feel contempt

  • Hidden emotions: Disrespect, disgust, superiority, unresolved resentment

  • Antidote: Practicing looking for others’ strengths and perspectives. Try Situation, Behavior, Impact, Intent, Request (SBIIR).

4. Stonewalling - Withdrawing during important discussions

  • Can Occur Due To: Introvert/extrovert dynamics where processing styles clash 

  • Solution: Give people space to process

  • Hidden emotions: Overwhelm, fear of conflict, anxiety, need for control, trauma

  • Antidote: Ask to Pause so you can Reset. Practice self-soothing strategies and then re-engage to participate.

While recognizing these patterns is crucial, the real work lies in developing practical responses.

Antidotes & Self-Soothing Strategies

  • Breathing & counting: Deep breaths and counting to 5-10 before responding

  • Writing it down: Getting racing thoughts out of head onto paper

  • Naming what's happening: "I'm sensing defensiveness here..."

  • Building trust proactively: Investing in relationships before problems arise

  • Looking for positives daily: Especially with people you feel contempt toward

  • Taking breaks: Self-soothing in your "realm" before returning

Our discussion revealed several key insights that apply across personal and professional contexts.

Takeaways

  1. It's not always our responsibility to fix toxic communication in systems

  2. All behaviors are signals: there's usually an unmet need underneath

  3. Intent vs. Impact matters: What we mean vs. how it's received often differs

  4. Systems tolerance: One person's toxic style can set the identity for entire teams

  5. Building new muscles takes time: Practice and accountability are essential

To Do

  1. Recognize early indicators of overwhelm

  2. Be curious about what’s behind the behavior

  3. Practice self-compassion

For Reflection

  • What causes you to feel overwhelmed? What are the early indicators? How do you react?

  • Which of the toxins do you see most in your professional and personal life?

  • What emotions are fueling the behaviors?

  • How can you help yourself when you encounter challenging behaviors?

  • How are the challenging behaviors important signals for the system?

*Resources

Dina Venezky
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Decision-Making with the Head, Heart, Gut Method