Forgive For Good Book Summary
My time at Stanford GSB opened so many doors to learning, and Fred Luskin's Forgive For Good workshop continues to help me today. His approach shifted how I think about forgiveness and reminds me to rewrite stories, especially those I didn't realize were taking up so space in my brain. I just hosted a Book Salon to share several of these insights and am including a summary of the book below. I hope it can help you too!
Overview: Learning to forgive can free up space in our minds for the things we want to do. Research shows that people who forgive are healthier.
Key takeaway: Once we recognize that our hopes can have multiple outcomes that we don’t control, we can stop feeding past hurts.
About Forgiveness:
"The feeling of peace that emerges as you take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel, and become the hero instead of the victim in your story."
About finding peace in the present moment, not changing the past
Not about condoning bad behavior or confronting the other person
Key Framework Elements
Grievance Stories:
Narratives we tell ourselves about how we were wronged
Created when we take something personally and blame others for our feelings
Give the illusion of control but keep us stuck as victims
Unenforceable Rules:
Expectations we can't enforce about others' behavior
Examples shared: People should follow traffic laws, tell the truth, be kind, take turns in conversation, and reciprocate good deeds
The HEAL Method
H - Hope: What did you want to have happen?
E - Educate: The reality of what was available. “I understand and accept that…”
A - Affirm: What is your positive intention now?
L - Long-term commitment: What do you commit to doing for the future?
More on Educate: “We educate ourselves about the way the world really operates.” Every time we want something, we take a risk; there are always several possible outcomes.
HEAL Examples
Illness:
Hope: Many years with someone
Educate: I understand that even with living a healthy lifestyle, people can become ill
Positive intention: Quality time with someone, support/love
Commitment: Choose to be with them and meet them where they are, over being angry
Divorce:
Hope: Happy marriage, kids in a loving household
Educate: I understand that not all relationships work out. Partners may be unable to commit or have issues that make the relationship untenable
Positive intention: Find a loving partner, support kids through college, build wealth together
Commitment: Trust and love, but verify; remain open-minded while being cautious
Middle School:
Hope: Friends would support each other
Educate: I understand that not everyone is able to support others. It makes sense that the middle schoolers around me were focused on their own issues/insecurities.
Positive intention: Have a positive support team
Commitment: Choose who gets to be on the support team
Practical Strategies
In the moment:
Recognize what is going on, pause, breathe, name it (to tame it…)
Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique (name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste)
Think about what animal, color, or sound/song would represent you in the moment, and then all the positive attributes of what you chose.
Try simple math problems, e.g., basic addition/multiplication, or counting backwards by threes.
Imagine you are in a sitcom
Take a break. Get up and move around.
Muscle building practice:
Regularly tune into gratitude, beauty, love, and forgiveness "channels"
Focus on the positive
Notice the good and work on feeling good more often throughout the day
PERT: Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique
Bring your attention to your breath and let your breath relax you
Imagine someone you love or a beautiful scene that fills you with wonder and awe
Continue to breathe and soften your body
Ask the relaxed, peaceful part of you what you can do to resolve your difficulty
Breath of Thanks: Bring your attention to your breathing, take 3 to 5 slow, deep, relaxing breaths. For the next 5 to 8 inhalations, say thank you silently to remind yourself how lucky you are to be alive. You can place your hand over your heart or imagine your gratitude centered in your heart.
Heart Focus: Breath slowly. Imagine a memory filled with love, beauty, or tranquility. Reexperience the peaceful feelings for as long as you can (try for 10 to 15 minutes).
Practice self-affirmations - (May I be healthy, May I be happy, May I be free from inner and outer harm, May I care for myself joyfully, May I flourish and thrive)
Rewriting Your Story:
Move from "this happened to me" to "I learned and grew from this.” Take responsibility without saying the hurt was okay, and focus on what you can control.
Example: Middle school was tough. I’m more aware now. I aim to have supportive friends. There isn’t just one way to do things; I control my story and who I consider friends/supporters.
Suggestions
Practice telling your new narrative where you are the hero
Notice the unenforceable rules
Work on not taking things personally
Recognize that you have a choice in your response
Practice gratitude and beauty awareness daily
Remember that others' behavior is about them, not you
Build support systems with trustworthy people
Celebrate your progress!
What if the anger, resentment, and hurt you're carrying aren't protecting you but actually keeping you stuck?
What unenforceable rules do you have?
